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GUN GANG GROOMERS! FBI Traces Huge Child-Grooming Ring to Firearm Fanatics!
“An enormous child-grooming ring has hidden in plain sight for decades, calling itself the NRA and disguising itself as civic duty,” said Sarah McLeo…
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Citizen Lars aka Larry Nocella
HALF-(M)ASSED! Flagpole Height to be Halved so Flags Fly Proudly While At Half-Mast
Citing the fact that flags at half-mast serve as reminders of our nation’s failed gun laws, congress has passed a bill requiring all flag poles be built…
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Citizen Lars aka Larry Nocella
ONE AND DONE! Dating Show Ends Abruptly — Thanks to Bachelor’s Secret
The reality TV show “This Man is Getting Married” was planned like other dating shows: a single man seeks a wife, reducing a pool of dozens down to one…
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Citizen Lars aka Larry Nocella

January 2023

IMAGI-RAGE-TION! Conservative Enraged By Thing He Just Made Up
Candidate for School Board, Conrad Erbon, expressed his opposition to a non-existent grade school transgender studies quiz, citing an event that never…
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Citizen Lars aka Larry Nocella
SOME EXIT! Self-Described “Free Speech Absolutist” Crushed to Death After False Alarm in Theater
Midway through a showing of the conserva-ganda film ‘My Son Hunter,’ a prankster yelled, “Fire!” This caused the crowd to panic, during which…
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Citizen Lars aka Larry Nocella
FABULOUS LOGIC! School Board to Require all Students Dress in Drag!
“The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is to arm everyone. We’re applying that logic toward our goal of stopping the spread of drag queenism,” said…
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Citizen Lars aka Larry Nocella

September 2022

NEVER FORGET! Requirement to Think of Someone Besides Oneself Hinders 9-11 Remembrances
Five minutes into a lone vigil, Russ Tillkop’s phone chirped. “Dang! They just deactivated one of the starters on my fantasy football team!"
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Citizen Lars aka Larry Nocella

August 2022

HEAD OF STATE? Headless Fetus Wins Election, Will be Next Tennessee Governor
“This is a sign!” cried a long-time resident. “Here in Tennessee, soon we’ll have a governor worthy of us!”
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Citizen Lars aka Larry Nocella
TOO MUCH BLOOD! Jefferson’s Metaphorical Tree of Liberty Dies from Over-Watering
The ghost of Jefferson appeared. “By thunder!” he yelled. “I was in the land of the dead and I recognized that tree. How much did you feed it?"
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Citizen Lars aka Larry Nocella

July 2022

OKAY BY U.S.! Many White Americans fine with White Replacement if it Gets Rid of Racist A-holes
"If the Zionists. aliens, lizard people – whoever those clowns think are in charge – want to get rid of some racists then I’m fine with it!"
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Citizen Lars aka Larry Nocella
NOT THAT EQUAL! Suggestion to Add Financial Equality to Workplace DE&I Results in Disappearance
No one dares speak his or her or their name. It’s as if their colleague simply never existed. “Burn all your notes,” the VP said.
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Citizen Lars aka Larry Nocella
SCOTUS-IZED! Americans Follow Court’s Lead and Randomly Ignore Prior Agreed-Upon Rules
The soccer match took a shocking turn when one of the players picked up the ball with his hands and hurled it into the goal, yelling, “You’ve been…
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Citizen Lars aka Larry Nocella
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