HEAD OF STATE? Headless Fetus Wins Election, Will be Next Tennessee Governor
“This is a sign!” cried a long-time resident. “Here in Tennessee, soon we’ll have a governor worthy of us!”
When all the votes were tallied, the election volunteers, already exhausted from a full day of thankless work, re-counted the votes by hand.
“I couldn’t believe the results myself,” said Judge Julie Barban, Tennessee’s state-wide Director of Election Services. “I ordered a recount. I can now say with absolute certainty that our next Governor will be a write-in candidate, the headless fetus!”
Ms. Barban was referring to the headless fetus still inside the uterus of a Tennessean teenaged sexual assault victim. The plight of the pregnant girl (whose name is being withheld because she is a minor) became nationwide news when she was arrested by police while attempting to flee the state and seek an abortion.
The write-in campaign for the headless fetus was coordinated by a group known as the Lord Almighty’s Righteous Disciples. The same group is also on the FBI’s homegrown terrorism watchlist.
“This is a sign from Jesus!” cried Basheba Odenus, CEO of the group. “Here in Tennessee, soon we’ll have a governor worthy of us! A true advocate against abortion!”
The election upset sent shockwaves across the landscape of the two-party system. Political consultants, usually wise in hindsight, were flummoxed.
“I’ve never done opposition research on a fetus before,” said one prominent operative. “But I could see it setting a trend for future candidates across the country. Maybe it won’t be so bad. Wouldn’t be the first time the people were represented by a brainless, under-developed creature.”
Media correspondents were given access to the jail cell where the fetus (and the girl anti-abortion figures are referring to as “its teenaged container”) is housed. The girl wept while an ultrasound wand was placed on her belly so the assembled reporters could ask questions.
“Headless fetus! Headless fetus! What will your first action in office be?”
There was no answer. The whooshing of the ultrasound machine filled the room as the blurry black and white image tumbled and rolled.
The began nervously talking among themselves.
“Was that a shrug? I thought I saw a shrug.”
“Looked like a thumbs up to me.”
“You sure that wasn’t a penis?”
“It doesn’t have a penis yet.”
“Is ‘it’ the pronoun we should be using for the likely next governor?”
There are many more questions to be answered for this unprecedented event.
One thing is certain: Tennessee’s people are going to be represented by a governor without a brain.