SCOTUS-IZED! Americans Follow Court’s Lead and Randomly Ignore Prior Agreed-Upon Rules
The soccer match took a shocking turn when one of the players picked up the ball with his hands and hurled it into the goal, yelling, “You’ve been SCOTUS-IZED!”
The elementary school soccer match took a shocking turn when one of the players on Coach Karzmarzuski’s team picked up the ball in his hands and hurled it into the goal.
The opposing team’s coach protested — as did the game’s referee, but Karzmarzuski insisted the play was good, and in fact, his squad had just scored four points. He ended his insistence by yelling, “You’ve been SCOTUS-IZED!”
The opposing team and the referee backed down. “Can’t argue with that,” they both said. In the end, Karzmarzuski’s squad won 17-1.
The incident was just one small example of the chaos sweeping the United States. Citizens across the nation were taking their cues from the highest court in the land — the Supreme Court of the US (SCOTUS) — and disregarding all precedent and previously-agreed upon rules (even violating long-standing contracts) to suit their own preferences.
Children’s soccer games just one of the many aspects of life affected. The SCOTUS practice of ignoring established law became the rallying cry to excuse any and all behavior.
Another example was a viral video that showed a security guard chasing people looting a Wal-Mart.
“Hey, you can’t do that! It’s stealing!” the guard screamed.
“We just declared stealing legal! You’ve been SCOTUS-IZED!” the thieves called back.
The security guard gave up the chase, shrugged, and helped himself to a high-definition TV.
Professor of Law and Sociology, Kim-Anne Hornberger, discussed the phenomenon.
“It’s not hard to see how things got this way. The Supreme Court recently issued several far-reaching rulings that stole away rights previously thought untouchable.”
But wouldn’t the nation’s allegedly finest legal minds understand that laws are a bedrock of civilization?
“Oh, they get that,” she said. “They get that completely. Their goal is to change our civilization. The SCOTUS majority has an obvious agenda designed to turn the USA into a Christian Fascist state, bowing to the whacko beliefs of their religion’s most extreme and violent factions.”
So, what can be done?
“Great question. I don’t know. If precedent means absolutely nothing,” she said. “If the rights we thought were written in stone are actually optional, if every decision from the high court is based on whim and not logic or law, it’s unclear where we end up.”
Where do we go from here?
“My best guess is the country is doomed. As for me, I just gave myself a million dollar raise and I’m off to the Caribbean. I SCOTUS-IZED myself. See ya!”